Come sit yerself down, fellow shipmates.
Cap'n Mandy has some comical yarns fer yer ears...

 
This is a story of two pirates.
The second pirate says to the first, "how'd ya get that wooden leg mate?".
The first replies "arrr, it done got bit off bye a varmint shark."
The second pirate is of course impressed, "aye, dat's really a pirate ting to have happen. How'd ya get dat metal 'hook?"
The first replies "lost err in a sword fight, bastard cut off me bloody hand!".
"aye, dat's really a pirate ting to have happen" says the second pirate, again impressed. "How'd ya get dat patch on your eye?".
"Well I was up in the crow's nest eh, and I looked up to spy this seagull" says the pirate's pirate, "and the damn ting pooped reet in me eye".
In disbelief the second pirate says "Well, how'd dat make ya blind?"
The first pirate replied: "Arr...first day wit my hook.

 
The captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which read.... "Change course 10 degrees South."
A reply was quickly flashed back..."You change course 10 degrees North.'"
The captain was somewhat annoyed and sent another message....."I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South."
Back came the reply...."I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North.'"
By now the captain was outraged and flashed the message...."I am a 240,000 ton tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!!
Back came the reply......."I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!"

 
Five pirates and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck.
Before long they are all getting pretty horny so they all make a deal.
Each pirate will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next pirate in line will marry her and so on.
All the pirates get sex every five weeks and the woman gets sex as often as she wants with a different pirate each week.
The situation works wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies...
 
The first week after wasn't too bad.
The second week was getting sort of bad.
The third week was getting pretty bad.
The fourth week was really bad.
The fifth week was horrible!
 
By the sixth week it was unbearable...
 
So they buried her.

 
Two pirates of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to board a dingy.
On the sixth day, half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating towards them in the water.
As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that is was an oil lamp (the kind that genies come in).
They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this three wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You pirates get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one."

The first pirate,( Dave. E. Jones,) without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Arrgghh! I be wishin' for all the rum we can drink for the rest of our lives I say!!!"
 
"Fine," said the genie, and turned the entire ocean into rum.
 
"Great move ya land lubber!" said the second pirate, (Sir Henry Morgan) slapping the first pirate on the head.
"NOW we're gonna have to pee in the BOAT!"

 
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a Captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my Red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
 
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were now TWO pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the Captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. Once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.
 
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a Captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were more pirate ships,10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
 
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

 
A young pirate was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection.
Now, completely without any happiness, he started to lose his sanity.
One morning, as he was lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way! He gets all excited and thinks,
"Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're going to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"
At this, he starts to get an erection.
He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha Ha Ha!! I lied about the ship!!

 
One day an old pirate gets on a sailboat.
Several minutes later a punk kid with red, green, and orange hair gets on.
The kid notices that the old pirate keeps staring at him.
The kid looks at him and says,
"What you staring at old man, ain't you ever done anything wild in your time?"
The old pirate replies,
"Yeah, I screwed a parrot once. I was just wondering if you were my kid?"

 
The Islander
 
The purpose of work....!!!!
The American businessman was at the pier of a small South Pacific Island village when a small proa with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small proa was a Dorado and several large Grouper. The American complimented the Islander on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Islander replied, "Only a little while."
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?
 
The Islander said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
 
The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
 
The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a late afternoon nap with my wife, Helia, stroll into the village each evening where I sip rum and play guitar with my friends, I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.  Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly  to the processor,eventually opening your own cannery.
You would control the product, processing and distribution.  You would need to leave this small fishing village and move to Australia, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."
 
The South Seas fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"
 
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your
company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions, really? Then what?"
 
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a late afternoon nap with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip rum and play your guitar with your friends."